Calling to cancel cable is a masochistic act Part 1

I don't have to say what company. It is well understood. Yesterday I called to cancel cable and went through the labrynth of choices I did not want, each successive possible action worse than facing the minotaur or a firing squad, depending on your age and your cultural reference . Add a WWE event? No thanks. Rather be kicked in the nuts. The canned voice so shrill, I already wanted to beg for mercy. But the torture had just begun.

After dodging aural bullets for what seemed like an eternity, feeling kinda like Frogger from that old video game, a human voice spoke. Verify account? Sure. Why on earth did I want to cancel my service. Got another provider. Wouldn't I re-consider? Well, no if the prices were reasonable after the promotion was over, I would never be in this situation to begin with. But this was the retention department. The agent made a valiant effort but I was not swayed. Already had another contract with the other company. Really nothing personal multi-million dollar corporation. You just don't suit my needs anymore.

So then the agent had to transfer me to the cancel services department. Didn't they have any human decency? Couldn't they just push the little button to abort mission? Game over. The sweet closure of cancellation. No, it was more aural assault, more waiting. After an interminable fifteen minutes, my phone disconnected somehow. Would the nightmare never end? 

Had to call back again. God was mocking me. Every human being supposedly only gets as much suffering as they can bear but this was definitely excruciating pain. The same menu options, the same canned voice. I was doomed and forced to repeat my trek through Hades. I turned up my stereo to drown out that voice. Each button I pressed taking off a year of my life. After ten minutes of agonizing wait, a voice spoke. Verify account? Oh God! If I must. This time I tried to cut to the chase. Please spare me the spiel. Just want to cancel the account. Already went through this with another agent. Got a new provider. But they have to transfer me to the cancel services department again. They call it 'loyalty department.' Delicious irony. Ok, I guess if you gotta. Blip. I'm back in the nebulous zone trying to accomplish a simple goal. Cancel my account. Sigh.

I hear the same music I heard previously. Sort of a surfer groove. It lulls you into submission like they might play some classical music to make a lamb more tender for cutting. I wait and wait and wait. Forty five minutes of my life are lost. Trying to hold the receiver close to my ear in case salvation comes. It doesn't. After an agonizing forty five minutes, my phone disconnects again somehow. And I resign myself that cable will not be cancelled today. God give me strength!