New Rules

1) I will only drink on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays.

(Unless I go out with friends from work).

2) I will only drink 2 beers on a week night

If I have to go to work the next day.

3) I will drink at least 3 glasses of water 

If I have to go to work the next day.

4) I won't drink a strong beer on a week day.

(But I won't drink a shitty beer either).

5) I will not let my drinking affect my work.

6) I will not let my work affect my drinking.

(That last one was a joke to see if

You were paying attention dear reader).

My new rules are very strict.

They will be adhered to 

As if they were the law.

Unless she wants to meet me for a drink.

Then all bets are off.

I'm in love with Georgia Hubley

Don't get me wrong!

If Ira Kaplan asked me

To drink the koolade,

I would surely do it!

But, for the record,

from what I know

(which is nothing),

Georgia Hubley is the most

Beautiful, Sincere, Deep

Intelligent, Charming

Real woman I have ever 

Not met.

And I am certain of it.

And I hope I am proved wrong.

Because I'll never be with Georgia Hubley.

And I only want to be with the Woman

Who understands what I am trying 

To say to her (right now).

Black Valentine

For Valentines Day I'm gonna buy myself a dozen black roses.

Then cut my fingers on the thorns.

I'm gonna buy a box of fancy chocolates.

Then melt em all down.

I'm gonna find myself a sweet serene dove.

Then impale it on an ice pick.

If the moon is for lovers,

Then the sun's eclipse is for me.

Instead of toasting my love with champagne,

I'll drink some Drano with a bleach chaser.

At my wedding they'll throw nails instead of rice.

I wanna crucify Cupid on a cross,

Then set him on fire.

The words 'I love you'

I will reserve for myself alone.

Stupid words for a stupid custom.

I'm never Happy on Valentine's Day.

Jealousy

Jealousy endlessly seeps through my mind.
Jealousy often causes me to be blind.
Jealousy is a desperate emotion.
Jealousy is a dangerous potion.

You drink it down.

You feel like a clown .

I've never not felt it.

We've all smelt it.

Desire for what we don't have

Makes us feel so bad.

Jealousy is a curse.

There is noting worse.

I'm jealous of everyone pretty.

Deep down I'm sure they're all shitty.

I'm jealous of lovers,

Deep down in their covers.

Do they know more than me?

Is there something I don't see?

Fuck the pretenders!

There's no happily ever after.

It could be a new hairstyle.

It could be the way they smile.

Everyone is under suspicion.

Even look at their follicles!

Deep down in their molecules,

They all have something to hide.

And I know they're no better.

But still I'm obsessed.

And I always think about the best.

Is money all that makes someone blessed?
Is nothing sacred?
Why do I feel such hatred
For those better off than me?

Jealousy is my clarion call.
Jealousy causes me to feel small.
Jealousy is a burden.
Makes me feel like I'm burnin.
Jealousy is a death knell.
Jealousy is a bottomless well.
Jealousy makes me feel like a sycophant.
The way that girl makes me pant.

The Yolk

Can a painter ever really capture the color of a yolk?

No, this is not a joke!

I'm completely serious.

Not trying to be mysterious.

A yolk is the color of the sun

Just rising on the horizon.

Neither orange, nor yellow.

Maybe it was rendered by Van Gogh.

He sure liked his golds.

Rembrandt, Cezanne, Picasso?

No, I really don't think so.

The color of the yolk is a special hue.

Most amazing pigment I ever knew.

It looks so beautiful on the plate.

In its soft, yet firm, state.

It's a real revelation

If you've got the time for contemplation.

Guess I got too much time on my hands.

But from where I sit, the yolk is pretty grand.

Is it the egg or the chicken

That's got me so stricken?

The yolk is birth and also death.

There was a tiny creature that never had breath.

A beginning and an end in a delicate prison.

There is such beauty in this vision.

Do I sound like an imbecile?

Delicate, cracked and fragile.

Just like the shell on which my mind dwells.

Do you grasp my confusion?

Or am I just losing it?

To find the yolk so moving.

If I could talk with the animals

Elephants have the best sense of humor.

Their ears are so big cause they don't want to miss any jokes.

They find it hilarious when they sit on your car.

You just don't know what their laugh sounds like.

Monkeys like to throw poo.

Watch out they don't throw it at you.

They think humans take themselves too seriously.

I think they're on to something.

The raccoon doesn't know he's scum. 

He just finds beauty in everything

That is discarded and abandoned.

There is wisdom in that.

Rhinoceros think you're ugly

Where is your proud horn?

You look like a fool and a wimp.

The rhinoceros is a pimp!

The deer have such grace.

Why do you smear their blood on your face

To show you conquered them

With your lethal weapon?

The skunk has got the funk.

He's pretty and he's charming.

Why do you find him so alarming?

Think your shit don't stink?

I've never met an opossum.

I don't even know how to spell it.

But I'll bet even he has charisma.

Ok, he's kind of an enigma.

Lions are the kings and queens of the jungle.

Their majesty is indisputable.

They protect their own in their personal zone.

We could learn a lot from them.

A turtle is not the fastest animal.

But they're so cool and gentle.

And they have great navigation.

Don't flush em down for sanitation.